Codependency: how to stop losing yourself in someone else

You know what everyone else needs before they do. You smooth things over, fix problems that aren’t yours and say yes when you mean no. In a relationship you can lose track of what you want, because so much of your energy goes on keeping your partner happy, calm or safe. And if they drink or use drugs, you may have spent years covering for them.

Codependency isn’t a formal diagnosis. It’s a name for a pattern of people-pleasing and over-caring that leaves you exhausted and a little lost. It usually starts as a way of coping, which means it was learned, and what’s learned can be changed.

Am I codependent? Common signs of codependency

• You find it hard to say no, and feel guilty when you do
• Your mood depends on how your partner, or someone close to you, is feeling
• You put their needs first so often that you’ve lost track of your own
• You cover for someone’s drinking, drug use or behaviour, or clean up after it
• You feel responsible for fixing their problems, and resentful when you can’t
• You stay in relationships that hurt you because leaving feels worse

Why it’s hard to stop

People-pleasing is often learned early. If you grew up around someone who drank, was unwell or was hard to predict, keeping them happy may have been how you kept the peace, or kept yourself safe. That skill doesn’t switch off when you grow up. It just finds new people to look after.

It’s also rewarded. Being needed feels good, and people often praise you for being so caring. The cost to your own needs, your health and your sense of who you are builds up slowly, so it can be years before you notice how much you’ve given away.

How hypnotherapy can help with codependency

In sessions we work on the automatic yes, the guilt that follows a no and the anxiety that rises when someone close to you is upset. In hypnosis you can rehearse holding a boundary calmly, so it feels less like a betrayal and more like normal life. We also work on your sense of worth, so it doesn’t rest entirely on being useful to other people.

You’ll still have to say the no yourself, and hypnotherapy can’t change the person you’re worried about. How much it helps varies, but it can help you feel steadier, so it becomes easier to make choices that look after you too.

How to stop being codependent: things you can try today

• Buy yourself time. Before you say yes, try “let me get back to you”. It gives you space to work out what you actually want.
• Do one thing a day for you, however small, and notice how it feels.
• Let someone else solve a problem that belongs to them, and sit with the discomfort of not stepping in.
• Write down where your time and energy went this week. Seeing it on paper can show you how much you give away.
• Reconnect with a friend, hobby or plan that has nothing to do with your partner.
• Practise saying no briefly and kindly. “I can’t this time” is a complete answer.

Free support, including when a partner drinks or uses drugs

If someone else’s drinking is affecting your life, Al-Anon UK runs support groups and a helpline on 0800 0086 811, seven days a week. Adfam helps families affected by a loved one’s drug or alcohol use to find support. My page on alcohol also explains where the person who drinks can get help.

If your partner frightens you, controls you or hurts you, that isn’t codependency and it isn’t your fault. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open 24 hours on 0808 2000 247. If you’re in danger, call 999.

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) UK runs meetings that are open to people struggling with co-dependent relationships, and Relate offers counselling for individuals and couples. If you’re feeling hopeless or thinking about ending your life, call Samaritans free on 116 123, any time.

If the pull is more about one person and the highs and lows of being with them, see my page on love addiction. If a relationship has ended and you can’t let go, addicted to an ex may help.

Common questions

What is codependency?

Codependency is a name for a pattern of putting someone else’s needs, moods and problems ahead of your own, to the point where you lose track of yourself. It isn’t a formal diagnosis, and it often grows up around a partner or parent who drinks, uses drugs or is unwell.

Am I codependent or just a caring person?

Caring people can still say no, rest and look after themselves. Codependency is when caring for others feels compulsory, your own needs keep losing out, and you feel anxious or guilty when you try to step back.

My partner drinks. Can you help them?

I can help you with how you’re coping, but I can’t make someone else change. Al-Anon UK and Adfam are there to support people in your position, and your partner can get help through their GP or a local alcohol service when they’re ready.

How many sessions will I need?

It depends on how long you’ve been putting other people first and where the pattern comes from. One 90 minute session gives us time to work on the guilt that follows a no. Over three sessions we can also practise boundaries and see how they hold up with the people in your life. We can talk about which suits you on a consultation call.

How do sessions work?

We meet one to one over Zoom, so you can join from somewhere private at home. What we work on comes from your own relationships and situation, and you get a recording of the hypnosis to listen to afterwards.

Ready to start?

Book a £49 consultation call and we’ll talk through what’s happening and what would help, or take the free check first.

See all session options and prices

Written by Adam Cox, clinical hypnotherapist. Sources: Al-Anon UK; Adfam; National Domestic Abuse Helpline; SLAA UK; Relate; Samaritans. Checked October 2026.