Limerence: how to stop obsessing over someone
You met them at work, at the gym or through friends, and now they’re in your head from the moment you wake up. You replay every conversation and read meaning into a two word text or how long they took to reply. When they’re warm you feel lit up for days, and when they’re cool you crash. Part of you knows you barely know them, which only makes it more confusing.
Many people find that once the replaying slows down, they can think about the person without it taking over the day.
There’s a name for this: limerence. This page explains what it is, the signs, how long it tends to last and how to stop thinking about someone who has taken over your head.
What is limerence? The meaning in plain words
Limerence is an involuntary, overwhelming longing for another person’s attention and approval, and for them to feel the same way about you. The psychologist Dorothy Tennov came up with the word and described it in her 1979 book Love and Limerence (The Psychologist, 2024). The person at the centre of it is often called the limerent object, or LO. A key part of the experience is that you can’t be sure whether they feel the same (Wyant, 2021).
Limerence isn’t a formal diagnosis. It doesn’t appear in the DSM-5, one of the main manuals used to diagnose mental health conditions (Wyant, 2021), and researchers have only recently started developing questionnaires to measure it (Marshall and colleagues, 2025).
Signs of limerence: the symptoms people describe
- They’re on your mind most of the day, and the thoughts arrive whether you invite them or not
- You go over past conversations, searching for clues about how they feel about you
- Your mood soars when they seem interested and drops to despair when they seem distant
- You spend time daydreaming about moments with them that haven’t happened
- You check their social media, reread their messages or look at their photos again and again
- You go out of your way to be where they might be, and being apart can feel like a physical ache in your chest or stomach
Limerence vs love: how to tell the difference
Early love and limerence can feel alike. The difference is usually uncertainty. When two people fall for each other, the obsession tends to run both ways. In limerence you’re rarely sure where you stand, and Wyant suggests this uncertainty about the other person’s feelings and availability may be what sets limerence apart from the start of a typical relationship.
Love usually grows as you get to know someone, flaws and all. Limerence can run on very little real contact and a great deal of imagination, and it can turn up when you’re already with someone else. It overlaps with a few other patterns I write about:
- Love addiction is a pattern across relationships, chasing the highs of romance from one person to the next.
- Being addicted to an ex is about a relationship that really happened and has ended, where you can’t move on.
- Codependency is about losing yourself in looking after someone else’s needs and moods.
- Dating app addiction fits better if the pull is endless swiping rather than one person.
How long does limerence last?
It varies a lot. Tennov’s estimate was that an episode lasts between 18 months and three years on average, though Wyant notes that episodes can last anything from a few weeks to decades. A 2025 study describes a wide range, typically from one to seven years.
Researchers describe uncertainty as the driving force that starts limerence and keeps it going. That helps explain why mixed signals can keep it alive far longer than a clear yes or a clear no.
Why limerence hooks you so hard
Think about a fruit machine. If it paid out every time, or never, you’d soon lose interest. It’s the unpredictable win that keeps you pulling the handle. A smile one day and a blank the next works in a similar way: each small sign of interest feels like a win, and because you never know when the next one is coming, you keep watching for it. Psychologists call this intermittent reward, and it’s a powerful way to keep a habit going.
Then there’s the checking. Looking at their profile or rereading messages gives a brief hit of hope and keeps them at the front of your mind. In one published case study, therapy focused on cutting back exactly these rituals rather than on cutting contact with the person. And when you’re lonely, bored or stressed, a fantasy about someone can become the brightest part of the day.
How hypnotherapy can help with limerence
If you’ve read meaning into a two word text and then hated how much it affected you, you’re not being silly. Limerence can feel all-consuming, and it’s hard to switch off on your own.
In sessions we work on the parts that run on autopilot: the reach for your phone to check their profile, the replaying and the daydreams you slip into when you’re tired. In hypnosis you’re relaxed and focused, a good state for practising something new, such as noticing a thought about them, letting it pass and going back to what you were doing. We also look at what the fantasy gives you, such as excitement, comfort or feeling wanted, so those needs can be met in real life.
I’ve spent 17 years in clinical practice, and I hold a Postgraduate Certificate and a Postgraduate Diploma in Clinical Hypnotherapy, both with Distinction.
Hypnotherapy won’t switch your feelings off. You’ll still be the one who chooses not to check, and some days will be harder than others, but sessions can give you more space between the thought and the action. If you’d like to know what the research does and doesn’t show, I’ve written an honest page on whether hypnotherapy works, and there’s more about my qualifications here. My podcast, The Hypnotist, also has free hypnosis sessions you can try first.
How to stop obsessing over someone: things you can try today
- Go no contact, or as close to it as you can. Some researchers advise avoiding contact with the limerent object completely. If they’re a colleague or in your friendship group, keep contact short, friendly and about the task in hand.
- Mute, unfollow or archive. You don’t have to block them. Muting their posts and archiving your chat means you stop stumbling across them.
- Cut the checking first. Keep a tally for a few days of every time you look at their profile or reread a message, then cut it down step by step.
- Reality-test the fantasy. Write down what you actually know about them from real conversations, then what you’ve filled in yourself. The second list is often longer.
- Give the thought a label. When they pop into your head, say to yourself “that’s the limerence” and bring your attention back. An article in The Psychologist suggests responding to limerent thoughts in a similar way to how people with OCD learn to respond to theirs: seeing a thought as a thought, not an instruction.
- Fill the time it was taking. Plan something for the moments you’d normally daydream or check, such as a walk, a call or a class. Working out what matters to you beyond this person gives your mind somewhere else to go.
When to get help, and free support
If the thoughts feel like intrusive thoughts you can’t stop, or you feel you must check or go over things again and again to ease the anxiety, please talk to your GP. The NHS describes obsessions as unwanted, intrusive thoughts, images or urges that keep entering your mind, and compulsions as repetitive behaviours or mental acts you feel driven to carry out (NHS, OCD symptoms). OCD can centre on relationships too. OCD-UK lists obsessive doubts about a relationship among the intrusive thoughts it can involve (OCD-UK, types of OCD).
In England you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies if you’re 18 or over (16 or 17 in some areas), and you don’t need a diagnosis to do it. It can help with OCD, anxiety and low mood.
If the person has asked you not to contact them, please respect that, even when the urge feels unbearable.
If you feel hopeless, or that life isn’t worth living without them, please call Samaritans free on 116 123, any time, day or night. If you’re in danger, call 999.
Common questions
Is limerence the same as being in love?
Not quite. Love tends to grow from knowing someone well, and the feeling usually runs both ways. Limerence is driven by uncertainty about how the other person feels, and it can thrive on very little real contact.
How long does limerence last?
There’s no fixed answer. Tennov estimated 18 months to three years on average, but published accounts range from a few weeks to decades. Uncertainty and hope tend to keep it going, so reducing contact and checking is usually a better plan than simply waiting it out.
Can hypnosis help with limerence?
It can help with the habit side of it: the checking, the replaying and the drift into daydreams, and with practising letting a thought about them pass. It needs your own effort, and I can’t promise how quickly the feelings will settle. If your thoughts feel like OCD, please see your GP first.
How many sessions will I need?
That depends on how long it has been going on and how much contact you still have with the person. If the checking is the main problem, one 90 minute session aimed at it may be a good start. If you see them every day, or this has happened before with other people, three sessions give us room to work on what sits underneath. We can decide together on a consultation call.
How do sessions work?
Most of my clients work with me one to one over Zoom, from somewhere private at home, and get a recording of the hypnosis afterwards for the harder days. I also see people face to face in Hertfordshire, at the same price.
Want help to get them out of your head?
A short call is the simplest next step. Here’s how it works.
- Take the check. See where you are now with the free check on this page.
- Talk it through. Book a £49 consultation call. We’ll look at whether sessions would help, and the fee comes off your first session.
- Start your sessions. We work one to one over Zoom, and you keep a recording of the hypnosis to listen to between sessions.
See all session options and prices
Hypnosis downloads for intrusive thoughts and letting go
If you’d like to begin on your own, these recordings are about letting a thought drift past, noticing an urge without acting on it and finding closure when a connection has felt intense. The second is about staying true to your commitments when an urge pulls the other way, which may suit you if you’re in a relationship and drawn to someone else. Buy one once and listen whenever you need it.
Written by Adam Cox, clinical hypnotherapist. Sources: The Psychologist (British Psychological Society), Limerence: when falling in love doesn’t stop, 2024; Wyant, Treatment of limerence using a cognitive behavioral approach, Journal of Patient Experience, 2021; Marshall and colleagues, Development and validation of the Limerence Questionnaire, Psychological Reports, 2025; NHS, OCD symptoms; OCD-UK, types of OCD; NHS Talking Therapies; Samaritans. Checked October 2026.